Marriage Reality Check

My husband and I have been married for over 13 years. I am proud of the life we've made together, but it has been an incredibly rough road. There were many times when I wondered if holding on was the real mistake and other times when I felt incredibly grounded and secure. Maybe that explains why I WAS a big fan of the Jon & Kate Plus Eight show. Yes, Kate could be shrill and Jon was the epitome of passive/aggressive, but they were a better reflection of my marriage than the reality TV family I wish we were like, the Duggars. I could relate to Kate's emotional outbursts, her desire to create wonderful childhood memories,and to provide for the brood financially. Meanwhile, Michelle Duggar the even-keeled, patient, ever faithful mother of 18 never loses her cool. She lives on some alternative plane of consciousness unfazed by petty concerns. I would love to join her, but spiritually I'm just not there.

So while I aspired to be Michelle, I found solace in seeing Jon and Kate muddling their way through in similar fashion to us. I was disturbed by blog reports of Kate's manipulations, but I decided to give her some slack due to the pressure of having to put eight kids through college someday. And even though Jon was henpecked, I knew he had to be grateful to Kate for masterminding their path to financial security. I really believed Jon and Kate were a strong unit and was so envious when they renewed their vows in Hawaii. So I felt incredibly duped when their facade came crumbling down. It has forced me to take another hard look at my marriage. Afterall, I related to Jon and Kate and as long as my marriage wasn't any better or worse than theirs, I felt I could coast. But the reality is marriage is hard work, something you have to work at every day. There are no guarantees, but neglect is always a recipe for disaster. So the lesson for the day? Don't compare you marriage to anyone else's because you'll never know what goes on behind anyone's doors but your own.

As for the show, I still tune in like a rubber necker at a crash scene. The show has devolved into a blur of cross promotions, field trips, and product placements. There is no substance, no real heart any more. The main draw of the show was the family interactions, and seeing the kids grow up in a normal fashion. From this season's shows it appears the kids are on one never-ending vacation. You don't see the everyday stuff of family life like the chaos of getting everyone off to school, tackling chores, making friends, etc. Jon and Kate used to pretend the cameras weren't there. Now they talk directly to the cameras because they have no one else to play off of. It is so sad. I just wish TLC would pull the plug and free me from this self-inflicted addiction.

Military Wife = Single Mom

I can't believe it! We just got word that my husband will most likely be going away again soon. I have felt nauseous all day since hearing the news. I'm still praying for a miracle like cancelled orders or at least postponement. This is just a horrible time to be separated; what with a new school year, a baby just starting to crawl, and a new dog in the house! Still, this is the life we signed up for. The funny thing is I never envisioned myself here. After we married my husband quit the military because I told him flat out that I could not handle the lifestyle. I didn't want to raise our children by myself while he was gone months at a time. Little did I know there was no escaping our destiny.

Today we are fully invested in the military life and for the most part its a good life. We have job security, great healthcare, community support and lots of other benefits. The biggest downside is the separations. Every time they come up I think I'm going to crash and burn. Life is chaotic enough when we are working as a team and it can get crazy when you have to go solo. Over the years I've developed great empathy for the real single moms out there. I personally know what its like to bundle everyone up in the middle of the night to get a sick child to the ER. Spend the night in the waiting room trying to keep the healthy kids entertained and the sick kid calm. Come morning you still have to race around with the usual routine; school, meals. laundry etc.. There is no backup, no one to pick up the slack and give you a break. By the grace of God I've grown stronger from each experience, but still its hard. Every time I think about going back to work full-time something like this happens to remind me why working from home is the best option for my family right now.

There are some good things about the separations, like I get COMPLETE CONTROL over everything in the home. Should I give into the kids request for pizza? Hmmm, no one to consult but myself. Maybe I'll experiment with moving the furniture around...no one here to change it back. Did I fall behind on the housework because I got sucked into reality tv? Don't need to confess that to anyone. Of course, when my husband returns there is always a rough adjustment period. The kids and I will be used to the rules of my monarchy, but with dad back in the picture its once again some kind of democracy. There are usually some skirmishes, followed by a bloodless coup, and then finally a treaty signing, but that's another topic in itself. For now its time to dig in, remember that God has never given more than I can handle, and cherish this time with my children.