Translating Tiger

Here is what Tiger Woods really would have said if he'd been wrapped in Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth.

I am sorry. I am so sorry I got caught! The ride is over and it really sucks for me. I was having so much fun. Now I have to pretend that I had some sort of addiction and that it was out of my control. I have to go to rehab and remember all the great times and feign remorse. The publicity around this is ridiculous, any guy in my position would have done the same thing.

I will come back to golf as I soon as I can convince my wife that I won't be "playing the field" again. I have a learned alot from this experience. These lessons will be invaluable in helping me cover my tracks better the next time I succumb to this "addiction". In the meantime, rest assured that I will be back and ready to get in bed....ahem....partner with new sponsors. I will also screw over the ones who dumped me just for embarrassing them a little. Thank you and again I'm really really sorry.....for me.