Translating Tiger

Here is what Tiger Woods really would have said if he'd been wrapped in Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth.

I am sorry. I am so sorry I got caught! The ride is over and it really sucks for me. I was having so much fun. Now I have to pretend that I had some sort of addiction and that it was out of my control. I have to go to rehab and remember all the great times and feign remorse. The publicity around this is ridiculous, any guy in my position would have done the same thing.

I will come back to golf as I soon as I can convince my wife that I won't be "playing the field" again. I have a learned alot from this experience. These lessons will be invaluable in helping me cover my tracks better the next time I succumb to this "addiction". In the meantime, rest assured that I will be back and ready to get in bed....ahem....partner with new sponsors. I will also screw over the ones who dumped me just for embarrassing them a little. Thank you and again I'm really really sorry.....for me.

Stop the Snow, Stop the Snow, Stop the Snow!

This is an SOS to all my friends in sunnier climes, help!! Unprecedented back to back blizzards have resulted in nearly 30 inches of snow outside my door. The kids have been out of school for over a week, there's been no trash pick up, we've had a couple of bouts of illness, and I'm climbing the walls! Seriously, it hasn't been as bad as it could have been. The best part is that Brien managed to get home just before the second blizzard hit and relieved me of my snow shoveling duties :). I praise God that I stocked up on plenty of food and treats. We are eating our way out of this. I've probably gained 40 pounds (but its just snow weight). We've caught up on recent movies but fallen behind on housework. However, laundry can not be ignored. The kids come in from the snow soaking wet and are constantly changing clothes. Baby Savannah looked so adorable in her new snow suit, but she HATED going outside in the snow. I couldn't even get her to smile for a decent picture. Brien has high hopes that one of our daughters will compete in the winter Olympics someday, but I think Savannah might be more of a summer girl. On the other hand, Carisa and Contessa are daredevils who throw themselves down snowy hills with no concern for personal safety. I just take the pictures and go back in for cocoa. It looks like the snow is gone for awhile, now its time for the Big Melt. I'll probably be writing about epic flooding soon....please standby with an ark!

Marriage Reality Check

My husband and I have been married for over 13 years. I am proud of the life we've made together, but it has been an incredibly rough road. There were many times when I wondered if holding on was the real mistake and other times when I felt incredibly grounded and secure. Maybe that explains why I WAS a big fan of the Jon & Kate Plus Eight show. Yes, Kate could be shrill and Jon was the epitome of passive/aggressive, but they were a better reflection of my marriage than the reality TV family I wish we were like, the Duggars. I could relate to Kate's emotional outbursts, her desire to create wonderful childhood memories,and to provide for the brood financially. Meanwhile, Michelle Duggar the even-keeled, patient, ever faithful mother of 18 never loses her cool. She lives on some alternative plane of consciousness unfazed by petty concerns. I would love to join her, but spiritually I'm just not there.

So while I aspired to be Michelle, I found solace in seeing Jon and Kate muddling their way through in similar fashion to us. I was disturbed by blog reports of Kate's manipulations, but I decided to give her some slack due to the pressure of having to put eight kids through college someday. And even though Jon was henpecked, I knew he had to be grateful to Kate for masterminding their path to financial security. I really believed Jon and Kate were a strong unit and was so envious when they renewed their vows in Hawaii. So I felt incredibly duped when their facade came crumbling down. It has forced me to take another hard look at my marriage. Afterall, I related to Jon and Kate and as long as my marriage wasn't any better or worse than theirs, I felt I could coast. But the reality is marriage is hard work, something you have to work at every day. There are no guarantees, but neglect is always a recipe for disaster. So the lesson for the day? Don't compare you marriage to anyone else's because you'll never know what goes on behind anyone's doors but your own.

As for the show, I still tune in like a rubber necker at a crash scene. The show has devolved into a blur of cross promotions, field trips, and product placements. There is no substance, no real heart any more. The main draw of the show was the family interactions, and seeing the kids grow up in a normal fashion. From this season's shows it appears the kids are on one never-ending vacation. You don't see the everyday stuff of family life like the chaos of getting everyone off to school, tackling chores, making friends, etc. Jon and Kate used to pretend the cameras weren't there. Now they talk directly to the cameras because they have no one else to play off of. It is so sad. I just wish TLC would pull the plug and free me from this self-inflicted addiction.

Household invention idea

Do you know what this world really needs? Labeled sponges. Yes, I do believe this would create family harmony which ultimately leads to world peace. Think about it. Labeled sponges means you'll never have to say or hear this again. "Honey, you mixed up the sponges again. I told you the pink one is for the dishes and the blue one is for the tubs. Ugh! This is so gross!" I've tried labeling our sponges myself with permanent marker. Guess what? It wasn't so permanent. And yeah, we should be able to remember how we've assigned our sponges but.....well....we just don't. So listen up Chore Boy! Forget the pretty little patterns on the scouring pad side. Just produce pads with sewn in labels.

My suggestions are:
kitchen
bath
dishes
gross stuff
really really gross stuff

C'mon I know you can do it. Make the world a better place today! :)

Compensation Czar should check on customer treatment

President Obama's compensation czar Kenneth R. Feinberg has been quietly meeting with several corporate welfare recipients to develop plans for paying their top employees. These corporate giants; American International Group, Citigroup, Bank of America, General Motors, Chrysler, Chrysler Financial and GMAC, have all been been saved by large government bailouts. Still, it is anticipated that these corporate giants will lobby to stay as close to their normal business paradigm as possible. Feinberg has the unenviable task of reigning in excesses while ensuring the companies remain competitive so that they can pay the taxpayers back.

One thing I would really like Feinberg to take into consideration is whether these companies are reciprocating the mercy and largesse of the taxpayers who are also their customers. My experiences and those of several people I know lead me to the conclusion that the answer is no, if anything these companies have become more aggressive in nickel and diming their customers to death, showing no empathy for the customer who bailed them out. It is an issue that has gone under the radar because most people don't want to reveal their personal financial affairs. But I'm going to boldly step forward and share a personal example.

A few months ago I miscalculated my account and became overdrawn. It triggered a domino of outrageous overdraft fees. Paying an extra $35 for a $2 purchase made me sick to my stomach. It shouldn't have been that bad, but the bank cleverly paid my biggest charge first so that several small charges each incurred a fee. (Note: all of these charges came in on the same day.) I went into the bank to plead my case for a few waivers. My major argument was that there had been enough funds in the account to pay all the small items so if the bank had paid those first then I would actually have had only one overdraft fee. I was very polite and humble and what did I get in return? A lecture. Yes, the bank representative looked over my expenditures and suggested I could manage my money better by cutting back on dining out. The dining out she was referring to were a couple of trips to McDonald's and Pizza Hut. To say I was insulted is putting it mildly. Its not like we were going to fancy restaurants or say throwing a party in Vegas. Honestly, if my bank (one of the bailout babies) wants to highlight these minor treats for the kids as extravagant spending then they should learn to live more frugally too. Cutting out office birthday and holiday parties might hurt employee morale but hey at least you'll be saving money. (Note the sarcasm, I would never support punishing the worker bees.) My bank basically took a handout from me as a taxpayer then turned around and chastised me as their customer. How arrogant and unappreciative! Did I get the waiver? Yes, with the caveat that I will not be eligible for any other fee waiver for one year. The policy doesn't bother me, its the treatment. If this is how corporate welfare recipients express gratitude to the American public then they need an attitude adjustment. Feinberg can help achieve that by making customer satisfaction a key component to keeping the big bucks flowing.

Stroller Envy

I have a confession to make, I am guilty of stroller envy. Its an insidious disease that started quite innocently during my first pregnancy. A total novice to the baby world, I went straight to the big box stores to do some comparison shopping. Since I was having a girl I was looking for something feminine. That was a big disappointment because at that time the majority of the strollers came in shades of navy, black, or gray. There were a few cute strollers but they looked pretty flimsy. I eventually settled on two travel systems (one for us, one for the grandparents)that met my requirements for ease of use and affordability. I was being practical because the baby needed so many things, but I couldn't help feeling wistful when I saw those chic, pricey models in my pregnancy magazines. I never saw those brands at the big box stores, so I didn't have a chance to try them out.

Now I know that even if I had tested them I couldn't have truly appreciated their upgrades until after having the baby. Once the baby was born I found myself wishing for different features on my stroller. Like wouldn't it be nice if the stroller could fully recline to allow my princess to stretch out more comfortably? Voila! A trip to a mall and there's someone with a stroller that fully reclines. I loved those old fashioned prams which were way out of my price range, and thought someone should invent a stroller that lets the baby face you. Bam! See all the mommies chatting face-to-face with their babies at the park. Everywhere I looked there were fascinating options; strollers that turned on a dime, folded more easily, weighed less, came with height adjustments, or useful attachments. I started taking mental notes of the brands, the colors, their features. I was brazen in asking the mommies with the BETTER strollers about how much they paid, where did they get their wheels, could I take a test spin? A whole new world opened up to me. I learned that there were different categories of strollers including pramettes, laybacks, joggers, tandems etc.. Visions of Bugaboos, Peg Peregos, Inglesinas, Quinnys and others danced in my head. The research was exhausting and ultimately futile. Seriously, I had two perfectly okay strollers. Plus, no one in my family could understand the desire for a stroller with such an exorbitant price tag. If I knew then what I know now, I would have realized that the luxury stroller was actually a great investment when you take into account that each of your children will use it for at least two years. And, they do great at resale.

I share this story to encourage other first time moms to take the plunge and go for the stroller you really want. The expensive nursery furniture you are buying will rarely be seen by anyone other than family and your child will be out of the crib by two. But the stroller, oh the stroller....it goes everywhere with you. It is how you present your baby to the public. You really want to be happy with your stroller. Alas, my story has a happy ending. Recently I acquired a second-hand Bumbleride Flyer in a gorgeous salmon-like color. It lays back, has reversible handles, and garners so many compliments! Of course I still check out other strollers. Like just this summer we went to a theme park and I couldn't help noticing several brands that I'd never seen before. It was a wonderful turnaround from my early mommy days, because this time I walked away thinking, "My stroller is better, my stroller is BETTER!"

Military Wife = Single Mom

I can't believe it! We just got word that my husband will most likely be going away again soon. I have felt nauseous all day since hearing the news. I'm still praying for a miracle like cancelled orders or at least postponement. This is just a horrible time to be separated; what with a new school year, a baby just starting to crawl, and a new dog in the house! Still, this is the life we signed up for. The funny thing is I never envisioned myself here. After we married my husband quit the military because I told him flat out that I could not handle the lifestyle. I didn't want to raise our children by myself while he was gone months at a time. Little did I know there was no escaping our destiny.

Today we are fully invested in the military life and for the most part its a good life. We have job security, great healthcare, community support and lots of other benefits. The biggest downside is the separations. Every time they come up I think I'm going to crash and burn. Life is chaotic enough when we are working as a team and it can get crazy when you have to go solo. Over the years I've developed great empathy for the real single moms out there. I personally know what its like to bundle everyone up in the middle of the night to get a sick child to the ER. Spend the night in the waiting room trying to keep the healthy kids entertained and the sick kid calm. Come morning you still have to race around with the usual routine; school, meals. laundry etc.. There is no backup, no one to pick up the slack and give you a break. By the grace of God I've grown stronger from each experience, but still its hard. Every time I think about going back to work full-time something like this happens to remind me why working from home is the best option for my family right now.

There are some good things about the separations, like I get COMPLETE CONTROL over everything in the home. Should I give into the kids request for pizza? Hmmm, no one to consult but myself. Maybe I'll experiment with moving the furniture around...no one here to change it back. Did I fall behind on the housework because I got sucked into reality tv? Don't need to confess that to anyone. Of course, when my husband returns there is always a rough adjustment period. The kids and I will be used to the rules of my monarchy, but with dad back in the picture its once again some kind of democracy. There are usually some skirmishes, followed by a bloodless coup, and then finally a treaty signing, but that's another topic in itself. For now its time to dig in, remember that God has never given more than I can handle, and cherish this time with my children.